I am suffering and lost, what can be said?

Question by Patrick Bradshaw: I am suffering and lost, what can be said?
I am 25 years old, physically healthy male. Unemployed, the last job I had was at a Value Village as a cashier, and I hated it, it was just monotonous and all the tasks felt pointless. Was fired for entering the wrong numbers into credit card transactions, I felt worthless. I was signed up to go to the Navy for a few months, and then I dropped my contract because of apathy, and I wish I had stayed in because I have no hopes of getting a real job in the city. It takes me forever to get out of bed in the mornings and I don’t get up usually until 1 in the afternoon. Yesterday I punched a tree in the park and hurt my hand, and I screamed as loud as I can, I was just angry at everything. My dad died in September last year, right after my parents lost their house to foreclosure and bankruptcy. I had a nice job back then, but ended up losing that because I had felt like I fell in love with a girl from work and thought the feelings had been mutual, ended up moving in with my sister who lived 2 blocks away from her, and she filed a restraining order against me for stalking her. This was around the time my dad had passed away, I have no history of stalking and have had loving girlfriends in the past, my mind was deluded around this time, thought it was true magical love, but was probably just really lonely. I still think about this girl, but I don’t stalk her, I don’t want to go to jail. I don’t have enough money to pay rent next month, I’m waiting for food stamps and eating the same shitty food from the food bank (god bless them). My mom is staying with friends in our hometown and she is really depressed too, always cries on the phone when I talk to her and is telling me that she is losing hope and we have nothing much else to say to each other. My sister is supporting her mostly as she has a decent job, but she is getting upset that she is supporting my mom who can’t find a job either. Am thankful that she is doing fine though and is healthy. I hang out with my friends still, but I feel ashamed around them since I have no money or life and not much to say either. I used to make money playing music but haven’t been able to write songs for the past year. I go rock climbing at a wall near the university for exercises, and I bike, and it helps a little bit but I always feel anxious that I have to do something else like look for work or clean my room. It is hard to fall asleep at night and even harder to wake up in the mornings. I think I might be homeless soon, and it stresses me out to think about having to tell my landlord that I can’t afford to live here anymore. I used to go to college but failed out when my first girlfriend dumped me, every now and then I get overwhelmed with depression. I am seeing a therapist and she knows I’ve been having suicidal thoughts, will be getting a psychological exam tomorrow. I don’t want to die, I just want the frustrations to end, I don’t know how to overcome this part of my life, I already feel like an old man and can’t relate to other people anymore even though I used to. I am lonely even when I’m around my friends, I have not had sex in a year (I’m not asking for it, not looking for it, I’m just… it contributes to all the stress, I miss being held and affection). Everything fell apart in the last year, and starting to feel like there is no hope. My room is a mess right now and I have to take care of it, and it’s just overwhelming. Hard to look for work because I feel like I will always be the weird one now. Looking to God, but I feel like he’s not there. Go to church on Sundays sometimes and I just cry, and it makes me feel ashamed ’cause I am a grown able-bodied man. Feel weak most the time, ambitions are fading. I used to want to be a famous artist or musician, now I feel ashamed whenever I try to express feelings, and nothing comes out. No inspiration. I wish I had a car and a dog and I would just wander the country and go hunting or something. No money, credit card debt. I wish everything was like it used to be before my dad passed away, but it won’t ever go back. Suicidal thoughts almost everyday, just a hope of starting over in the next life, or ending all the misery and frustration in this one. Am thinking about going to my hometown and living in my mom’s car and try to find a job, would most likely be low paying or a restaurant, but I don’t know. It’s pretty out there and I can go to the woods or sit by the water whenever I felt, could become part of the community, save up to get a place for me and my mom, a truck and a dog. The city is suffocating, but there are more opportunities here for work. I don’t know if life will ever feel normal or stable again, but I want that. My question is: what could you say to me?

Best answer:

Answer by Nicole
I would say you are not alone. Seek help. You need someone to talk to.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!