I don’t know what to do with my life?
Question by Dolkite: I don’t know what to do with my life?
I am almost 32 years old. I have a B.A. in English from a marginal school (Michigan State). My first job out of college was as an executive assistant and, until a year ago, that was my occupation. I was a lousy EA, forgetful and resentful of my duties, and was fired from several positions. Within the last year, I have scraped by on temp work and in the last six months, I have managed to obtain a few contract positions that use my degree. I am currently working as a copy editor (basically proofing and rewriting online courses for a well-known online university), though that position could last as little as two weeks or as long as two months or maybe beyond.
I have virtually no friends, at least none within 150 miles. I have always been a loner, and that is probably why I am so miserable. I smoke pot as often as I can…if I get it, I smoke it till it’s gone. Last week, I went through a half ounce in just over a week, though, to be fair, I was unemployed at the time. When I can’t get dope, I drink. I drink because I find my work boring and my life depressing. While pot mellows me out and makes me feel great, alcohol makes me angry and, in the past, violent, mostly towards inanimate objects. I’m not a public drunk…if I do get angry, I’ll throw a dish or put a hole in a wall, though that hasn’t happened in several months.
I hate how I look and harbor a great deal of anger and resentment because 1) nobody ever understands why I hate being tall, broad shouldered, and bald; and 2) because the few girls who wanted to date me were totally bottom-shelf types. I dated them because I wanted to be fair and give them a chance…within a week or two, I was dying to get rid of them because they were always needy, desperate, and totally submissive. Worse, I was expected to live up to my physical image, i.e., be protective and sexually dominant. I hate being a big guy because I don’t have much respect for masculinity…while I’m no limpwristed type, I don’t think that men have a duty to protect women, I think that measuring worth by physical prowess is something worthy of a second grader, and (this is the part nobody gets) I pride myself on thinking different, hence hearing that some guys wish they were 6’3” and broad shouldered makes me feel worse, and the fact that being bald is somewhat trendy still means zero to me since those associated with it are generally hypermasculine, atavistic types like Vin Diesel, Michael Chiklis, etc. My final conclusion was to quit dating…I have not had sex in over five years (I don’t really care…sex never meant much to me), have not dated in three years, and have never had a girlfriend. In my more self-destructive moments, I deem myself not attractive enough to date, or at least, not date anyone I respected and was attracted to.
I think about suicide every day. I doubt I would ever do it, but it’s comforting to think that if things get really bad, it’s there just in case. Most of the time, I see no reason to live. My life consists of going to a boring job while I think about what a loser I am and how I am wasting my life, going home and getting drunk or high, and either going online, listening to music, watching movies, or reading books (I am always trying to expand my horizons and insist on being open-minded).
I don’t know what to do with my life. I am an atheist, so praying isn’t going to do me any good. I’m not interested in volunteering, and at the moment, work plus commute is about 11 hours a day. I hate myself and don’t know what to do.
Best answer:
Answer by Kathleen D
For one, I know what it’s like to be out of school with a B.A in English and not be able to find a job in your field, and feel really depressed because your life isn’t going anywhere, and try to fill the gap with drugs and alcohol. I got on here trying to find some solutions to that very problem. I really know where you’re coming from probably so much that it’s not good that there are two such similar people on this earth, so please take this as heartfelt advice that at this point I think you should seek some counseling since you are way too much inside your own head at the moment. There are some things you can do/take to lift the depression enough to make proactive decisions. I can’t say that it’s going to help you find great friends, a great girl, or the perfect job. I think it’s just enough to help you free yourself from such an overwhelming self destructive current and go in a different direction. I really do wish you all the best.
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