Would you Critique my cover letter please? The parts in [_____] are things I’m having issues with:?

Question by Pluto: Would you Critique my cover letter please? The parts in [_____] are things I’m having issues with:?
The parts in [____________] are things I’m having issues with. Some of the brackets are left over from my previous cover letter and I’m not sure what to put in its place.
Thanks for the help!

Dear [Mr/s. Last Name]:

Please accept my letter and resume for the position of [ ]. I have reviewed the job description as advertised and am enthusiastic about the prospect of employment. I believe that my combination of management, teaching, and performance experience will help me to become a productive member of your company.
What I’ve done:
My background consists of work in management, education, and music performance. I have held three managerial positions. With these positions I gained experience in customer service and leadership, sales and promotions, employee scheduling and bookkeeping, and merchandising. I have six years experience as an educator. As an educator I gained experience in motivating students, researching and creating lesson material, evaluating student progress while communicating that progress to students and parents, and promoting instructional services. I have twelve years experience in music performance. As a performer I gained experience in negotiating contracts, working with agencies, accommodating customers, and public performance. This background shows my ability to both adapt to and communicate in various work environments.
What you can expect of me:
I have every confidence that I can be a productive member of your company. First, as a manager I communicate with company owners and management, employees, and customers to understand company needs and process solutions [with regards] such as employee scheduling and training, and promotions. I strive to create a positive and productive environment while maintaining balance between employee productivity and realistic expectations. Secondly, as a teacher I strive to maintain awareness of my students learning needs and to be a motivator, resulting in improved student outcomes. Thirdly, as a performer, I know the value of preparedness. I seek opportunities and to use my skills and can be ready to deliver on very short notice. Therefore, you can be sure that I will provide your company with competent and reliable [instruction on which students can rely.]

I appreciate your review of my credentials and experience. I welcome an interview to discuss this position further and can be reached at 832.818.8584, or by e-mail at crabtreerr@gmail.com. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Also, I’m taking out:
What I’ve done:
&
What you can expect of me:

These were only there for me to spark thoughts
One of my goals was to make it very linear. I didnt want to use much commas and punctuation that would slow the reader – out of courtasy.

Best answer:

Answer by William
Start by saying:

Please find enclosed a copy of my resume in application for the position of…

Having reviewed the job description I am enthusiastic about working for a company which [offers xyz] (tailor to company)

Instead of “will help me become” use “would make me”

In the what ive done paragraph prioritise the bits which are mentioned in the job description’s “key skills”. I imagine your resume is more general about the skills you offer so you dont need to list it all in your cover, maybe you can pick out a few examples of when you’ve used the skills though.

(I would advise altering your resume for each job application though, moving different sections and focusing on how you meet your new jobs requirements)

What you can expect of me section:

instead of saying “company owners and managers” just say “Senior Management”

“provide” instead of “process”

from “with regards” onward you can delete the rest of the sentence as it becomes to long and meandering.

maintaing THE balance

student’s has an apostrophe

after “oportunities”, lose the “and”.

Dont say your company, say the actual name of the company

[instruction, on which you and your students rely]

The close can lose the contact details as those should be provided below your address at the top right of page. I wuld go for:

I appreciate your review of my credentials and experience and welcome an interview to discuss this position further.

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours Sincerely

NAME IN CAPITALS

One final note, dont use the word “and” after a comma as it is grammatically incorrect.

BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR APPLICATIONS AND HOPE YOU AREN’T OUT OF THE GAME TO LONG!

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